


Love is Blindness

by BloodyFreckles



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: First Time, M/M, Online Relationship, Secrets, kinda hetrosexual sex, transgender!jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-26 10:59:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyFreckles/pseuds/BloodyFreckles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared and Jensen have been talking online for four years. They're bestfriends, nothing more, or at least that's what they tell themselves. Jared's college days are ending and now he wants to meet in person but Jensen has a secret that could make or break how they feel about each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jared was bipolar with manic depressive episodes. He had been saddled with it by the time he was thirteen, and his outlook on life was often a pessimistic one. He had a suicide attempt when he was fifteen. Back then he had thought he was doing nothing right, that he was worthless, that nothing he did mattered and no one cared for him. He lived with those thoughts everyday, they haunted him into the late hours of the night as he tried to sleep. They crept into his mind as he tried to do his school work, they wrapped around his heart as his family said I love you and made him wonder if they really did. After all, they had to deal with a depressed teenager, who often slept all day on the weekends and barely wanted to crawl out of bed when it was time for school. He never played sports, even though part of him wanted to just to please his parents that he was trying to get involved as a teenager but it never stopped him from running everyday or working out in the gym. He always figured he might have obsessive compulsive as well, since he ran to feel like he was at least in control of his body and that he could keep that part of his life in working order. When he tried to kill himself, he took a bottle of pain killers that his father had left over from a back injury at work. He remembers puking his guts out, hands forcing the earth down against the carpet as he clawed and felt like his chest was on fire, like a force of nature was constricting his insides into mush. All he could think about was _Why am I puking it up? Why?_ and then his mother found him, half dazed and foaming at the mouth as he lay on his side on the floor and curled around himself, hoping he got enough in his system to put him out of his misery. 

Then Jared had another suicide attempt at eighteen, just before he shipped off to college in North Dakota. This time he slit his wrists but his mother found him before he bled out. She panicked and called him stupid, selfish and a stubborn child who needed to find the will to live. She found out he hadn't been taking his medicine, and after his stint in a mental hospital for two weeks, she made him take them everyday. Jared had a semi life changing experience and the habit of taking his pills stayed with him. Lithium and an injection every month, it helped but he still had suicidal idealilation. He wanted it, felt it, no matter how many cared for him and tried to stop him from doing it. Then he met Jensen, three weeks before he went to college. 

Jared had taken to roleplay around sixteen, writing had always been an outlet that he had when he was younger. It helped his mind to build worlds and get lost in them, it helped him find something to live for. The characters he created were like his babies, the places he created were his dreamscapes, and the plots were things he wished happened in real life. So it wasn't any surprise when his online buddy,Chad Murrary introduced him to a roleplaying forum for original characters. It had been a Peter Pan inspired one, and he made a soft hearted pirate that had cruel intentions but didn't want to do the things he set out to do. As if he had an impulse to hurt but then sooth the wounds with his tongue as he apologized and simpered for forgiveness. He had received praise from many of his fellow roleplayers and won an award for character of the month. It had been easy to write with others, he liked the bouncing off each other, he liked to be surprise by where things would go next. Writing original stories even took a back seat because he enjoyed himself so much. 

And then Jensen happened. He came in with the Wendy canon after the last player left due to real life purposes and the spot opened. Everyone seemed to like the male Wendy better than the girl Wendy who had been created before. Where the girl Wendy had been a mary sue, the male Wendy was a well rounded and interesting character, who sometimes made bad choices and never apologized for them. Stubborn headed but a head full of heart. Jared would read the threads where Jensen played and would be floored by his intricate writing that were always full of thoughts and feelings, interestng dialogue that made you want to know what the character would say next. Jared was smitten with the character, and the player's abilities. But he never talked to Jensen, his anxiety made him feel like Jensen   
wouldn't like him or he'd embarrass himself or even worse that his writing wasn't good enough and maybe Jensen judged him on that. But a week after Jensen joined, he had a pm in his inbox and Jensen was telling him that Leonardo was a wonderful character and he really wanted a thread between him and William. Jared had been estastic. A little afraid but happy. He agreed and soon they were writing thread after thread together. The unlikely friendship between their characters blossomed and then Jensen was pming him to talk on messenger. 

They quickly became friends themselves, they had more than enough in common. They were only four hours away from each other, they exchanged pictures and talked into the wee hours of the night as they wrote together. Jensen would often get excited about what was happening in a scene and praise Jared beyond belief, and Jared would do the same. It did a lot for his confidence. Jared went to college and his roleplaying continued. Jensen and him went from talking online to talking on the phone. Jensen had a soothing alto voice that rolled into the deep, and made him relax. They would sometimes just talk about silly things, it didn't really matter what as long as they talked. By the half of his freshman year as a college student, they were bestfriends. Jared felt happier than he had in a long time but Jensen wasn't his only friend. Chad also went to college with him and he met Genevieve, well as Sandy. It was the first time he managed to make friends, and when he tried to sleep all day on the weekends on his bad days. They would drag him out of bed. Jensen would also tell him to get his ass out of bed and go out and enjoy himself. Things became a little easier. 

A year peaked, they never talked about meeting each other. They would chat on skype, face to face and make goofy faces and play games to keep themselves entertained. Jared would do his homework and Jensen would help since he finished college and they had a few classes in common. And then in his sophomore year, he was under a lot of stress, he felt worthless and terrible once again. Dragging himself from day to day but he didn't want to really kill himself this time around even though everything in his being was telling him to end it and put himself out of his misery. He went to Jensen that night, too embarrassed and distrusting of his real life friends to talk to them about it. They vaguely knew he had some issues, but not the full extent of it. Not like Jensen. Jensen had made him get on skype, he was freaked out and he begged Jared not to do it. Jared spoke honestly about how he was feeling and how much he wanted an out but Jensen told him he had so much to live for. That he was going to be a best selling author, that he knew he was wonderful and there was so much ahead of him. 

That he wanted to meet him someday and wrap his arms around him and keep him anchored to the earth without blowing his spirit away in the wind. Jensen cried, had to get up from the computer as he was embarrassed to be crying in front of Jared. and Then Jared realized how much he was cared for and how he couldn't leave anyone behind, especially Jensen. He realized suicide was selfish in a way and he didn't even want to think about how much hurt he'd put on Jensen if he no longer showed up so they could keep talking. He knew Chad would get online and tell him something happened, but he didn't want that day to come. Jensen came back ten minutes later eyes puffy and red, looking away every few minutes as if he were afraid the water works would start happening again. Then just whispered _Your friends and I love you, Jared. We'd be so sad without you. Please don't do it._ and Jared had nodded and went _'I'm sorry. I won't.'_ and then they went back to making silly faces and laughing. 

And then by the end of his sophmore year. Jared realized he was in love. He loved Jensen. He had never really fallen in love before. He didn't date much in highschool, mainly because he was gay and wasn't out and proud. He dated a few girls, who he tried to love but never really felt sexually attracted to them. Hard bodies with v cut hips and trails of hair leading to their most prized possessions got his cock hard. Loving Jensen was easy. He was funny, kind hearted, deep and everything Jared could ask for and he had the body to go with what he wanted. But he didn't tell Jensen because the man was straight and while they had heart to hearts like no guys really could when it came down to it, Jensen wouldn't want him because of what was between his legs. Jared's heart would ache as he talked about the dates he went on and how well they went or the fact that he had a new girlfriend that rocked his world. He never really got jealous because he wanted Jensen to be happy and if that wasn't with him, then he was okay with it. Jared would talk about crushes he had around school. Jensen always listened,   
never seemed off put that Jared was gay. He gave him advice on how to go about getting the guy and once he took his advice, asked out Aldis Hodge at the gay straight alliance club and went on a date but Aldis didn't compare to Jensen and his crush soon faded. 

Now it was his senior year and it was coming to a close. Two more months before he graduated. He was doing much better this year, his grades had improved drastically after getting a tutor. and of course, help from Jensen. He was actually feeling better than he had in years, though that probably had to do with the new medication he was on since he finally admitted his last medications weren't working as well as they could. He just finished his homework, sitting in front his laptop as he Jensen typed to him.

 **zackpuppy:** I'm serious. I'm not feeling this Cloud, dude. It's nothing like your Cloud. I feel cheated.  
 **JPADZING:** You just started. Give it time. You know I'd join if I didn't have so much school work.  
 **zackpuppy:** I know but I miss writing with you. We mesh like ...mesh. You're the Cloud to my Zack.  <3  
 **JPADZING:** Maybe after I finish school and Aerith is still available, I'll join as her. =D  
 **zackpuppy:** I'd like that but you know how I feel about that pairing.  
 **JPADZING:** Yeah, Yeah. Tifa is a better match for Zack in the lady department. She can cook him mounds of food and make him happily fat.  
 **zackpuppy:** Exactly. And Cloud is his man match. They're the water to the fire, the cheese to the bread, the pickle to the burger.  
 **JPADZING:** You're a goof. I've heard this all before.  
 **zackpuppy:** you're the only one that let's me talk obsessively about this stuff.   
**JPADZING:** And I don't mind.  <3   
**zackpuppy:** I know you don't. :D

Jared smiled at the screen. His fingers tingling as he tilted his head. Admittedly, he loved Zack and Aeris and while Jensen didn't, he had in the past done the pairing with him a couple of times. That was another thing he loved about Jensen, he wasn't selfish by any means. The man even sent him three hundred dollars when his parents couldn't get into their bank account to send him money when it had been frozen because someone tried to access their account. Jensen hadn't expected the money back even though Jared did give it back after his parents sent him his allowance three weeks later. 

**zackpuppy:** That professor in psychology still giving you shit?  
 **JPADZING:** No because we talked today. I explained to him why I've been sucking at my work. Medication changes. He was more sympathetic and less of an   
asshole after that.   
**zackpuppy:** You really should have explained this to your teachers when you started school. That way they'd cut you some slack. 

Jared cringed. He hated using his mental illness as an excuse to get special treatment. His parents always made it a point back in school, to tell his teachers and the office when he was going through terrible times, that he was off his game and then he'd get those pitying looks from his peers and other people that made him wish he was a turtle so he could hide his face and live inside a shell. 

**JPADZING:** I... don't want to end up getting treated differently. I want to get by on my own.   
**zackpuppy:** I understand that, man but you have issues and those issues get in the way of your performance. Besides a psychology teacher should get it.   
**JPADZING:** He did get it. He's nicer but I'm doing better now since the medication is starting to be less retarded.   
**zackpuppy:** Good. I'm glad you're feeling better.   
**JPADZING:** Thank you, good sir.   
**JPADZING:** Anyway. Did you talk to that patient that kept hitting on you?   
**zackpuppy:** lol... yeah and she denied flirting with me.  
 **JPADZING:** Really?  
 **zackpuppy:** Really. Even though she smacked my ass more than once and made a very swarmy comment about getting her hand on my dick.   
**JPADZING:** Yeah, she wasn't flirting at all. She was outright propositioning you, dude.  
 **zackpuppy:** Oh yeah. Definitely. I talked to her and then my superviser did too. So it's all sorted out. She was kinda pissed and didn't talk to me the rest of the session but just before she left, she said thank you and she couldn't wait to come back next week. So, not a total loss.  
 **JPADZING:** hahaha. She was what fifty?  
 **zackpuppy:** Yes, and saggy titties to boot.  
 **JPADZING:** You poor bastard.   
**zackpuppy:** Yes. Poor me. Sooth my wounds with your magical spit and help me go to a dreamland where old people don't exist.  
 **JPADZING:** Hey! I love old people. I'd feel sad if they weren't around anymore.   
**zackpuppy:** Don't get me wrong. I love old people too, but not creepy ones going after people twenty five years their senior.   
**JPADZING:** Then no creepy old people. We'll keep them all out.   
**zackpuppy:** You know how to make a man happy. I think I'll keep you.   
**JPADZING:** Oh for joy. I am a kept toy for Jensen's pleasure. Whatever shall I do?  
 **zackpuppy:** You could start by making me a sandwich.   
**JPADZING:** If I could reach through the screen. I would smack you silly, punk.   
**zackpuppy:** Damn, that burns. I feel betrayed.   
**JPADZING:** Feel that betrayal and simmer in it.  
 **zackpuppy:** Fine. I will. Asshole.  
 **zackpuppy:** Shit. Parents calling. Brb.

Just as Jensen left for the moment. The door to his room opened, he turned and Chad was standing there with a six pack of budlight and a grin on his face. "I'm not drinking tonight, Chad."

Chad scoffed. "The hell you're not. You've been ignoring me since this school bullshit started and we're having man time. Katie and Gen are coming over too. They're bringing a twelve pack a piece and the cards. We're sitting in your goddamn kitchen and having a good time. I won't take no for an answer." 

Jared sighed. He just wanted to talk to Jensen with his downtime and maybe do a private roleplay to keep his stress levels down but Chad was right. He hadn't really been spending time with him. He had to pay attention to his other friends too. "Alright. Gimmie a sec. Going to say Goodbye to Jensen. Then I'll be out." 

Chad rolled his eyes. "Jensen. Right." He shook his head. "No more than ten minutes and then I'll drag  
your ass out here."

"Gotcha," Jared said, rolling his own eyes as Chad left the room but left his door wide open. He turned back to his keyboard and began to type. 

**JPADZING:** Jen? You there? I gotta go. Chad is making me have real life activity time.  
 **zackpuppy:** Yeah, sorry. Still on phone. Go have fun. I'll be here later if you get on.   
**JPADZING:** *his fingers hoovered over the keyboard, he always wanted to say I love you but he always held back.* Okay, talk to you later. Bye until then.   
**zackpuppy:** Bye, Studmuffin.

Jared signed out, finished reading the news article about bombings in Iraq and then shut down. He grudgingly made his way out of his bedroom and into the kitchen where Chad was sitting at the table. Just as he sat down, Katie and Gen rolled in with what looked like twenty four packs instead of twelve. "I really don't want to get that drunk."

Genevieve laughed. "You're getting shitfaced, mister. I left my boyfriend to spend time with you. I'm not going away from this without seeing you go stupid and crossed eyed."

Katie put her beer in the fridge. "What Gen said." 

Chad smirked. "You bitches got the cards?"

Katie pulled the deck from her pocket. "This bitch sure did. Let's get started. Team spades. Gen and Jared vs You and me." 

Jared couldn't help the smile that came over his face. He had people that cared about him and really? In life. That was all that mattered.

He was having a shitty day. Three weeks before his stint at college and he would be free but the exams were making him nervous and kicking his ass. He had a panic attack in his English lit class because he couldn't remember a couple of authors that hadn't really interested him and what they had wrote. He also had to write a six hundred word essay in under a hour by hand and he felt that was unfair because who the hell could do that without making mistakes and sucking like a vacuum cleaner? But he wasn't the only one in the room sweating either. Many people looked lost when he had looked around. He just took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes as he counted back from ten in his head after he took his anxiety meds. It worked and he managed to finish but it was still a shitty day. He also hadn't managed to get much sleep last night. He drudged into his dorm and fell face first into his bed soon as he got in his room. He closed his eyes, relishing in a few moments of peace as he tried to clear his racing thoughts that moved through his mind like a roller coaster. Everything was hitting him at once. What if he failed? What if he couldn't get a job? What if he never wrote a best selling novel? What if he had a set back from failing and ended up wanting to commit suicide again? So many what ifs that pressed down underneath his skull. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears and he squeezed his eyes tight, trying to will the sound away. 

He crawled up on his bed, toward his pillows and flopped onto his back. Reaching inside his pocket to pull on his phone and turn it on. Soon as it started up he had eleven text messages that he went through.

 **Chad** | Dude. Answer your tex.  
 **Chad** | Jared i know you're there asshole.  
 **Chad** | Theres a party dis weekend at the sigma alpha fi house u in?  
 **Sandy** | Good luck on your tests, baby. You'll do well.   
**Mom** | We secured that apartment for you paid up for six months now you need to find a job and get started on that writing career!  
 **Dad** | Nice neighborhood. I'm glad you didn't choose somewhere grubby to live. Everything is almost set in place, soon as we fax over everything. 

At that one, Jared couldn't help thinking he wished he had done that on his own but he had so much to do lately, that he really didn't have time to go apartment hunting except when he had Chad drive him over to Fairmont Apartments to see what it looked like inside. It was a _nice_ neighborhood, so that was all he was really worried about and he put his application in at a near by book store that was hiring. So, he crossed his fingers and hoped luck was with him. 

**Jeff** | I'll be able to make it to your graduation. Amy is coming too. I know you think she doesn't like you, Jared but she's excited. She says she can't wait to be related to a best selling author. I had her read some of your short stories when we went to visit mom and dad. She was floored.  
 **Megan** | Heeeeey I haven't herd from u n 4ever. Maybe we cud talk on da phone dis wkend? I miss u at home.  
 **Jensen** | I was thinking about starting a game. Horror, maybe? Silent Hill meets Event Horizon? Or something like that. Maybe you'd want in and we could co run it together? If you're interested, we can talk the details out over IM and see how we get the ball rolling. And I know school is kicking your ass, but I'm talking during the summer. When you finally have free time. No pressure.  
 **Jensen** | You ever wonder why bees sting you? because bees are stupid. What's the point of stinging something and then dying? I mean, it stings a little and barely scratches you. I know, you could argue some people and their allergic reactions but it's still pointless. That's like me putting the handle of a knife in your intestines and you attacking someone only for it to end up ripping your guts out. Okay, I'm done. But tell me your thoughts on bees.  
 **Jensen** | Tests kicking your ass? Wish I was there so we could play video games and get you to unwind for a few hours. I know you're stressed. *rubs your head.* It'll be okay, pumpkin spice. 

Jared grinned like a loon and knew he looked bashful for a moment. Even though Jensen was only joking with the terms of endearment, it still made his stomach twist warmly. He texted him back first.

 _I have a slight headache, but I think I did well, sugar plum. My thoughts on bees? Uh... it hurts when they sting? My sister is allergic. She almost died once, so I really don't like them too well and I agree. They're fucking stupid. Also, sure. I'm willing to open a game with you. Been awhile since I've been in a horror one. Could be interesting. We'll brainstorm._ and then he proceeded to text everyone else. Ten minutes later, his phone rang. He looked at the caller I.D and got an instant happy. 

He answered and put the phone to his ear, cradling it between his hand and cheek. "Hey, Jen." 

"Hey," Jensen said. His voice soothing and rumbling across the line. "What you doing?"

It seemed like everytime they talked, Jensen's voice got deeper. Jared shrugged even though he couldn't see him. "Relaxing before I do my homework. Might take a nap. How was work?"

"Same as usual. Mr. Bardy came in today and brought me candy. I knew there was a reason I like that man." 

Jared chuckled. "Send him my way. I'm low on gay bacon strips. Won't have money till Tuesday to feed my sugar addiction." 

"I could wire you some money," Jensen said sincerely. 

Jared snorted. "It's not life or death."

"But I could." 

The line was quiet for a moment then Jared sighed.

"I'm not about to starve. So quiet." he paused. "So, dude. About that game you want to do."

“Okay, fine. And yeah, that. Silent Hill or like a ghost town where people are trapped and can't get out. I don't know where to go with it other than that. I was up all night playing the first game and the mood just struck," Jensen said. 

"You know what I always wanted to do?"

"What?"

"A game where people are liable to die at any time. It's up to the mods to decide who is going to die and at what point," Jared said, his mind reeling with possibilities. 

"Dude, that sounds awesome. We could discuss with the player about rather they feel comfortable with it or not before we do it. It would make the game more interesting, not to mention an edge of mystery," Jensen said, sounding a little excited.

"We could also npc monsters. Maybe have a monster that's sorta like Pyramid head, casting judgment on more carnal and evil characters," Jared said, smiling as it started falling into place. They continued to talk about the game they were going to do, it rolled far into an hour and Jared's eyes were drooping. 

As they finished talking about it. Jared suddenly had another idea or more like a deep seated feeling he couldn't shake. Or maybe he was just sleepy. "I want to see you." 

Jensen went quiet. 

"In person," Jared added. 

"Oh... why now?," Jensen asked cautiously.

"I don't know. College is ending. I'll have time to spend with you. We've been friends for ages now. We should meet," Jared said sleepily. 

Jensen was quiet again and Jared blinked. "Okay, we don't have to. It's just a thought."

"No... no. I'll think about it. It's just...," Jensen trailed off for a moment and then. "Sudden." 

Jared nodded. "I know, but I've been thinking about it ... in the back of my mind for a few days. I think it'd be nice to just hang out and play video games with you. My parents got my apartment paid for, so it won't be a cramped dorm." 

"I said I'd think about it, Jared," Jensen said, amusement in his voice.

"Okay," He said, trying to keep his eyes open. "Okay. I'm going to go crash. I'll talk to you online tonight." 

"Go sleep. See you soon," Jensen said, and Jared could hear the smile in his voice. 

"See you soon," Jared echoed, hanging up the phone and rolling over onto his side. 

Sleep came peacefully.

Jared went to that party Chad was adamant about. It was wild, something he secretly loved even though he complained the whole time he was there. He managed to get a blow job from some really hot guy that didn't want to exchange numbers, which disappointed him but hey, free blow job right? and he didn't even have to reciprocate. Chad and him stayed by the snack and beer table, getting pissy poor drunk as the night wore on. By the time two o clock rolled around, he was too drunk to stand without stumbling every five minutes. Chad and Sandy had to help him out of the house and into his room where he collapsed on the bed and stared at the ceiling for fifteen minutes until he realized he wasn't tired and wasn't likely to end up falling asleep anytime soon. Maybe, Jensen was online. He stumbled from his bed and managed to get in his chair and it almost tipped back but he stopped it. He booted it up and instantly clicked on aim. Soon as he saw zackpuppy, he brought up the window.

 **JPADZING:** tank gud, oure awake.   
**zackpuppy:** It's 2:30 in the morning. Spell properly.   
**JPADZING:** cant 2 drunk.   
**zack:** And you're deciding to grace me with your presence while you're off your rocker?  
 **JPADZING:** y yes. u lov my presence.   
**zackpuppy:** I do indeed love it. I love basking in it.  
 **JPADZING:** yoll mak me brush  
 **zackpuppy:** uh huh. Where did you get drunk?  
 **JPADZING:** frat part dran unil i couldnt stan even gt a bj  
 **zackpuppy:** I'm surprised I understand you at all. But BJ? Go, dude. Maybe, eventually you'll get your ass pounded if you give some guy a chance.   
**JPADZING:** nono i do th pondin   
**zackpuppy:** You pounder, you.   
**JPADZING:** yu kno i lve u riht  
 **zackpuppy:** I know.   
**JPADZING:** did u tink abot it  
 **zackpuppy:** Yeah... and I'll do it but I don't have the money.   
**JPADZING:** n u wana giv me money  
 **zackpuppy:** Gas is the problem and you're at least a thousand miles away.  
 **JPADZING:** ill gve ou money  
 **zackpuppy:** Not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth since I really want to see you.   
**JPADZING:** u do  
 **zackpuppy:** I do.  <3

Jared stared at the screen. Trying to keep focused, he knew his typing was atrocious and no matter how many times he tried to type properly, it still sucked. 

**zackpuppy:** You there?   
**JPADZING:** yah  
 **zackpuppy:** Okay but there's something else.   
**JPADZING:** huh  
 **zackpuppy:** There's something I've been keeping from you.   
**JPADZING:** wats that  
 **zackpuppy:** I'm not going to tell you until I see you.   
**JPADZING:** kay... but shud i b worred  
 **zackpuppy:** Hopefully not. It really shouldn't be a big deal since I don't feel like I've been lying.  
 **JPADZING:** uve ben lyin  
 **zackpuppy:** Sorta, but not really. Just please don't get mad at me.

Jared blinked. Furrowing his brow. What had Jensen possibly been lying about? A protestic leg? Maybe he had a kid or he was married. His mind couldn't really wrap around anything. It was fuzzy but he knew he wouldn't get mad. It was Jensen, Jensen mattered and anything he did wrong could be washed over because no one was perfect and he was sure it was trivial, that it didn't matter. He'd love him no matter what. 

**JPADZING:** kay... ill try not to b mad  
 **zackpuppy:** I'm tired. Time for bed. You should do the same.  
 **JPADZING:** not tire sty up wit me  
 **zackpuppy:** I'm sleepy, dude. Been up for seventeen hours. Had a long shift last night.   
**JPADZING:** oky bedtim fo yu i lov yo sleep well  
 **JPADZING:** Okay. Night. 

And then his green went gray. Jared leaned back in his chair and spun around. Now his drunken mind couldn't get around the fact that Jensen was keeping something from him and it bothered him a little but it probably wouldn't hit him until tomorrow. Right now, he was going to crawl into bed and wait for sleep to claim him.

Graduation went smoothly. He was surprised he had managed it. Graduating with a 3.4 and his degree in English Lit. He already had stories he wanted to write, things he wanted to accomplish and he knew with all his free time, that's exactly what he would do. There was an old story he written as a kid that he wanted to convert into something more adult and expand on it. His parents were coming up in a couple weeks with his folders full of writing and his old laptop that had everything on it. He had settled into his apartment pretty well and was enjoying the perks of not having a roommate. No more doors slamming at three in the morning waking him up. No more coming home to a sock on the door or walking in on sex that scarred him for life. He also managed to get his job at the Miss Barnes Bookshop and the pay wasn't bad but he was glad to be making money on his own instead of always getting his parents to pay for everything. 

And now Jensen would be here at six o clock. He called over twenty minutes ago that he was almost there. He was excited, his heart thrumming in anticipation. He got movies from the rental store four blocks over, snacks and some beer. Jensen apparently took his vacation time, So they'd have two glorious weeks together, two dudes doing nothing other than hanging out and enjoying each others company. Of course there was the point where he was in love with the man but he was sure   
he could keep his cool. He hadn't proclaimed his undying love for him at any point in the past and he  
was sure he wouldn't do that while he was here. 

He cleaned the house, it had been somewhat messy since now he had so much more space than he had previously and he didn't spend all his time in his room. He spent some time thinking about what Jensen had been keeping from him, one of the possibilities had filtered his mind but he didn't really want to believe that. It was the last thing he wanted to think about. So he decided not to dwell on it but he was nervous and maybe a little mad that Jensen had kept something from him. They were bestfriends. They should be able to tell each other everything. Hadn't he proved to Jensen that he was trustworthy? Plenty of times. He never told the secrets the guy had told him and he always promised he wouldn't say a word, so he didn't. But he wasn't mad to the point that he wasn't happy either. 

Jared sat on his couch. A second hand store blue velvet sofa that was comfortable as hell and long  
enough to fit his large frame. He flipped through the channels for the next hour, until he heard a knock on the door and froze. Then he slowly got up off the couch, went into the hallway and looked into the mirror for a few minutes to make sure he looked alright. He decided to wear a gray hoodie, blue jeans and his blue sneakers. He felt he looked presentable. He took a deep breath, passing the clock and noticed it was six thirty. A little past the time he was supposed to be here but that was okay. Finally he was in front of the door and he swallowed, pulling it open and coming face to face with the guy he had been talking to for four years and God, he was beautiful. His eyes were as green as he had seen in pictures, his dark blonde hair was artfully styled ontop of his head and he was smiling. He looked fucking breathtaking. "Jensen."

"Jared!," Jensen exclaimed. Duffle bag over his shoulder and a rolling suitcase in his other hand. "I'd hug you but my hands are full." 

Jared nodded dumbly. "I can see that. Let me take that from you and get you set up." He reached down and took the rolling suitcase from him and lead him down the hallway toward the guest room. He hadn't actually gotten around till yesterday to getting it spruced up and homey. He opened the door and inside the walls were stark white but there were flowers on the night stand and the bed was a queen. There were blue sheets, a equally blue comforter with four pillows and the double window was wide open, letting in a cool breeze.

Jensen moved past him and looked around. Whistling. "Your parents got you some nice digs. I'm impressed. And is this queen for me? because hell yeah. I've only got a full at home and it's a achy bitch to lay in." 

Jared laughed, his insides squirming. "Yes, for you. You're my first guest. I didn't even let Chad lay in the bed because I wanted you to be the first. So you get to christian the damn thing." 

Jensen smirked. "Good. I don't want Chad germs." And then he put down his duffle bag on the bed and took the suitcase from Jared, to place it at the end. He gave him a long look over and smiled softly. "Look at you. You're way better looking in person." 

Jared could feel his face heating up and he shrugged. "So are you."

Jensen opened up his arms and tilted his head. "Hug me, bro?" 

Jared grinned and moved forward, wrapping his arms around Jensen and holding on tight. He closed his eyes. "I'm so glad you're here." He was aware of how much taller he was than Jensen. He only seemed like maybe he was 5'10 or so even though he looked taller in pictures. Maybe that was what he was keeping from him. Which would be stupid, he wouldn't care about Jensen's height. 

Jensen hugged him back just as tightly. "Me too." 

Finally they let go and just stared at each other a few seconds, a comfortable but slightly awkward silence. "I got movies but we could go out somewhere. Maybe eat at a restaurant?," Jared said. 

"No, movies tonight and going somewhere tomorrow. I want to meet your friends too. Meeting the infamous Chad and Sandy sweets is on my list of priorities. I want to know who's been respectively bitching about me and trying to send me cookies," Jensen said with a grin. 

"No problem. I can totally set that up," Jared said. "I'll get a small party started in a couple of days. I'm sure they'll come."

"Awesome. Care if I shower?," Jensen asked, looking forlornly out into the hallway. "I skipped it at the hotel this morning, so I could get here."

"No, dude, go right on ahead. I'll leave you to it. Showers down the hall on your left. You can't miss it," he said as he waved and moved out of the room. The door closed behind him with Jensen's soft 'Thanks'. The ball in his stomach continued to tighten but he was so happy he could burst.

Jared ordered pizza; hawaiian with extra pineapple and cheese, breadsticks and two orders of chicken wings. Jensen came his bedroom, freshly scrubbed and smelling like heaven. Jared moved around him as he grabbed paper plates and tried not to sniff too much, but the scent was overwhelming and he wished he could cuddle up next to him and inhale all he wanted. Jensen smiled at him as he grabbed the sprite with cups of ice and headed into the living room. Settling down on the couch, Jared popped in Event Horizon since they had been talking about doing something based off the movie. It seemed fitting and was one of Jensen and Jared's favorite movies anyway. They always said stuff like they wished they could watch it together. It was finally time. They sat apart on the couch, with a   
few inches between them as Jensen inhaled his first slice of pizza and moaned around it. The sound should be illegally, it sent a tingling in his dick and made him wish for just a second, they could fuck each other blind without the repercussions of a ruined friendship. That was even if Jensen loved him the way he loved Jensen. 

"Do you know how long it's been since I've had pineapple pizza?," Jensen said, chewing around his second slice as the movie booted up on screen and started. 

Jared grinned. "Ah? Last week? When you ordered it with that girl you're dating. Emily, right?"

Jensen rolled his eyes, swallowing. "Okay, fine. You got me but it's been awhile since I ordered it with a bestfriend and watched movies. It's ten times as good now." 

Jared laughed. "Bestfriend, huh?"

Jensen smiled softly, looking at Jared a bit lopsidedly. "Just because I"m here, that doesn't change. It's not as weird as I thought it'd be. Just us without screens separating our pretty faces from each other."

Jared ducked his head, staring at his slice, half eaten. He licked his lips and nodded. Smile curving at his mouth. "Yeah, I feel it. Nothing really changed."

"Exactly," Jensen said, kicking his legs up on the coffee table and nearly knocking over his drink. He mumbled a sorry but kept his feet there.

"You're lucky, I love you or else we'd have some fighting words," Jared told him, but in the next instant, his feet were up on the coffee table too. 

"You couldn't take me in a fight," Jensen said, voice challenging as he smirked. 

"You bet your ass I could. Have you seen my guns? Have you been to the gun show?," Jared said testily in a teasing manner as he flexed his love sleeved arm but   
the muscles were defined even with the clothes in the way.

Jensen snorted. "Dude, I've seen the tiny nine millimeters you've been packing but it's got nothing on my double barreled shotguns." He placed his pizza on his thigh and swept back his dark blue short sleeve, revealing his muscles. Which were very impressive but Jared would never say it outloud, it kinda reminded him of a buff lady's arm. 

"We'll arm wrestle after this movie," Jared said, taking off his hoodie to reveal his grey shirt underneath. 

"You're on," Jensen accepted, smirking with a twinkle in his eye from the television screen glow hitting his face. 

Jared just smirked back and settled. In the next hour and a half, they managed to finish an entire pizza, chicken wings and more than half a two liter of sprite. They were completely full and sated. Groaning and leaning their shoulders against each other with their pants undone at the buttons. The movie ended and Jared felt like he probably wouldn't sleep without the touch lamp on at least low. The dude's wife with the black eyes always makes him have nightmares about her after it. Sure, great film, but creepy as hell. He doesn't know why he puts himself through the torture of horror flicks and after this, they have two more to go. The Conjuring and Rob Zombie's Halloween. Both he hasn't seen yet, mainly because he's a a wuss without someone to watch them with and because Zombie always does movies on a really raunchy level. Even now, he thinks he's too young to hear all the swear words and tasteless jokes. 

The credits roll and Jensen sighs. Rolling his face over to look at him. "So... we have a match. Let's get to it, buckaroo." 

Jared groaned, whining low in his throat. "Dude...my stomach. It must settle."

"No way. Come on, best two out of three. Let's go," Jensen said as he got up off the couch and walked into the kitchen.

Jared slid further down into the couch like a defiant five year old but sighed and rolled off to stand up and follow. Soon as he made his way into the kitchen, Jensen was seated at the island table and his arm was prepared. He eyed Jared with a smirk and Jared rolled his eyes as he sat across from him. "You're too excited about this."

"Just want to prove who's the bigger man," Jensen said comfortably as he grabbed Jared's extended hand and positioned his elbow against the table.

"It's already proven. I've got a good half a head on you," Jared answered cockily as settled his got a good grip. He couldn't help noticing how soft Jensen's hand was. Smaller than his, but not delicate. It felt right in his hand and he felt his heart echo a inside his chest like a song. _Keep your cool... it's a  
man show. Nothing more._ he reminded himself. 

"Ah huh. Whatever you say, man," Jensen answered. "One...two...three. Go."

The first arm contest, was tough. Jared felt like he was in a death grip, they struggled for at least a minute before Jared pounded Jensen's hand into the table. He made a victory call and grinned. "You got toasted, Jen." 

"Sure thing. We're not done yet," Jensen answered, and they geared up for round two which had to have lasted five minutes as they struggled for dominance but Jensen won that time and just smirked in victory. 

"I got tired. That's how you won," Jared said a bit gloomily, not believing he had lost. 

"You keep telling yourself that," Jensen sing songed, as they moved into round three. Another few minutes passed and Jensen almost won but Jared turned things around and managed to slam their hands into the table again. 

"Now whose the man?," Jared said, dancing in his seat as he moved his head around in a sassy manner. 

Jensen knocked his forehead against the table. "Long as I keep working out. I'll be able to take you down." 

He reached over and patted Jensen on his head gently. "One day, Padawan." 

"Yeah, one day," Jensen said a bit off and then smiled. "Back to the movies?"

"Yeah. We'll do that but...," Jared trailed off. Licking his lips for a second. "There was something you wanted to tell me?"

Jensen suddenly went very quiet and looked down at the table. "Yes. That..."

"Well?," Jared asked, tilting his head. Curious. 

Jensen nodded slowly. "Okay... so you promised you wouldn't get mad."

"I promised," Jared agrees.

Jensen bites down on his bottom lip, nodding again. "Okay... so look. I didn't exactly lie, because it is true. I mean, I am a dude. Have been since I was a kid."

Jared doesn't get it. "What?"

"Just shh for a moment. I'm telling you," Jensen said with slight amusement in his voice. 

Jared nodded, wondering where the hell this was going. 

"It's hard for me to say this but I'm transgender. I'm a male stuck in a female's body. You know what that is, right?," Jensen asks cautiously, looking at Jared if he's afraid to look. At what he might see there.

Jared goes stock still. His brain freezes in time and he plays over Jensen's words. "What?Dude...what?" 

"You heard me, Jared," Jensen said, irritation obvious. 

"yeah, I did but seriously?," He asks, not wanting to believe it. He feels like denial is coming. He doesn't want to think about Jensen having been previously female. Which would be hypocritical since he's gay for crying out loud but it's different. He's not... he's not...lying about being a male. No, that isn't right. Fucking hell, it isn't lying but at the same time. He's in love with someone who has no dick to speak of. 

Jensen frowns. "Yes... seriously." 

"You mean... you have a vagina and breasts?," Jared asks, staring across Jensen, not really seeing him.

Jensen nods. "Yeah... I've got well.. I'm getting my breasts removed in a couple months. They're just small dainty things. Don't even have to wrap them up most of the time and yeah... definitely have a vagina. I don't plan on getting rid of it because having a useless penis would be pointless. At least I can... you know... get pleasure that way but someday when the operations and options are better. I'm  
going for it."

Jared knows he's slack jawed, blinking slowly. "And ... your girlfriends are okay with this?"

"Yeah, Jared. They are. They all know before we get in a relationship... ," Jensen answers, looking for all the world like he's scared.

"And you couldn't just tell me this from the beginning?," Jared asks, sudden anger laced in his voice as he snaps out of his daze. Turning his eyes on Jensen in hard slanted lines. 

"I wanted to. Really wanted to but when you met me... I was still just telling people I'm male because I wanted them to see me that way instead of saying hey I'm transgender and then they'll have stuck in their minds I'm a woman trying to be a man when I'm not. You know what I mean?," Jensen says, panic rising a little. 

"No, I don't get what you mean because it doens't change the fact that you have breasts and a fucking vagina, Jensen," Jared suddenly yells, standing up from his stool and pushing away from the table. 

"You promised you wouldn't get mad," Jensen says, voice small but angry. "Why are you mad?"

"Because. I just am," Jared says coldly as he makes his way toward the hallway.

"But why? You're my bestfriend, it shouldn't matter. Should it?," Jensen asks, voice getting louder. 

Jared throws his hands up. "I don't want to talk about it right now. I'm going to bed." 

Jensen slouches back and puts his head in his hands. "I shouldn't have come." 

"Maybe, you shouldn't have," Jared answers, making his way upstairs. Soon as he gets in his room, he slams the door and then the tears fall. Jensen didn't exactly lie, he'll give him that, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then there is sex. ;D

Jared spends the next two days laying in bed, as he stares at the walls and wants to talk to someone about what's going on. The only person he can think to run to and spill his heart out to is Jensen. It hurts because he lied to him this entire time, didn't trust him enough to tell him the truth. Didn't trust him enough to know that Jared wouldn't have cared in the beginning and they would have still ended up bestfriends. It hurts because Jared fell in love with the person Jensen is, the person that makes his days brighter, the person that makes him want to live just to see the beautiful smile on his face everyday and still wish he would smile wider. It hurts because he knows he won't be attracted to Jensen physically but that isn't entirely true, he's seen his arms and he's seen his stomach and he's dreamed about licking chocolate off them and all kinds of other sweet products off his body. It hurts because he wouldn't want to stick his dick in him because he doesn't find vaginas all that appealing. Sure, they feel good around his cock but they leave something to be desired. He shouldn't care because they're just bestfriends, he really shouldn't care but he feels betrayed. Fucking pulled through barbed wire and told there's nothing better on the other side.

It just hurts so goddamn much. So he stays in bed, doesn't eat until he knows Jensen is in bed or has left the house. Jensen came to the door one time and asked if they could talk. Jared didn't answer and he heard the long suffering sigh and the retreating of footsteps. He felt his heart break a little more, curling into a ball and pretending for just a moment that Jensen had what he wanted. Then Jensen came to the door after two days and told him he was leaving tomorrow. 

That he's really sorry and doesn't know why it pissed him off so much. If he doesn't want to talk to him anymore, he'll understand. He's pretty sure he heard Jensen crying this time and Jared just closed his eyes. He sat in bed without sleeping for the next two hours, mulling over the possibilities. He decides he'll just come clean and tell him why he's so mad at him. He realizes he's his bestfriend and he doesn't want to stop talking to him, he'll just have to get over his feelings and know there isn't even a chance in hell for them. One, Jensen doesn't feel the same way and two, yeah, two is pretty obvious. He gets up around eight and trails down the stairs. The tv is on in the living room and dinner is made on the stove. Spaghetti and meatballs. He's suddenly glad that Jensen felt comfortable enough to go around in his fridge and cook up a meal. He gets a plate and eats mechanically, trying to wrap his head around what's going on. He wants more than anything to just be alright. To just be good. 

After he finishes, he gets up, washes his plate and cautiously makes his way into the living room. Jensen is curled up on the couch, face turned toward the tv. 

He's watching that show on that country channel about pimping out trucks. He clears his throat and shuffles awkwardly against the carpet. "Can I sit down?" 

Jensen turns his head and regards him quietly before nodding and sitting up but he doesn't say anything. Jared takes a seat on the far end of the couch and swallows once and the silence continues. For the next twenty minutes, they watch the show and don't say a word to each other. Then Jared grows some balls and speaks softly.

"I don't want you to leave," He finally said but didn't look at him.

"If you're so mad at me. Why would you want me to stay?," Jensen asks softly, turning his head to look at him. 

"Because I love you and can't imagine not spending two weeks with you. I can't imagine not talking to you for the rest of my life. I can't handle the thought," Jared admits, hands on his knees as he swallows and feels tears spring to his eyes. 

"I love you too, man. But you gotta tell me why you were so pissed... is it because you don't agree with it or something?," Jensen asks, looking a little sad. 

"No, it's not that. You have every right to change what doesn't make you happy. I'll stand behind you on it and be there every step of the way because you're my bestfriend. There's a different reason for the anger...," Jared said, finally looking at him. 

"What?," Jensen asks, smiling gently at him. 

Jared takes a deep breath and licks his lips. "I've kinda lied to you too. Haven't told you something for the last three years, that maybe I should have said something and then I wouldn't be in this situation."

Jensen's eyes soften and he moves forward a little, forehead crinkling. "What could you have possibly lied to me about?" 

"The reason... for me... look, I'm in love with you. I have been since my second year of college," Jared said, closing his eyes for a moment. 

Jensen looked at him in surprise, then looked away. "I'm... really sorry." 

"It's okay. Because it was selfish of me to act the way I did. I should have just smiled and been supportive and told you it's okay. I should have ... I shouldn't have made you feel like you weren't welcomed. That you had to leave," Jared said fiercely, shaking his head.

Jensen sniffs a few times, before Jared can see he's crying. "No, that's not okay. I should have told you. I'm so sorry."

He frowns and reaches forward to put a hand on his shoulder. "Jensen... it's going to be fine. I'm getting over it." 

Jensen nods, then suddenly a sob breaks free and he holds a hand to his mouth, closes his eyes and tries to taper off the next sob. "I screwed up, I screwed up. 

I hurt you and I screwed the fuck up." 

Jared doesn't know what to do, so he does the only thing he can, he moves forward and takes Jensen in his arms. Jensen automatically presses his face into 

Jared's chest as Jared rubs soothing circles against Jensen's back. He can feel tiny breasts against his arm and it doesn't bother him as much as it should. 

"You didn't screw up. We're fine. We're going to be fine. I wouldn't want to lose you, no matter what you've done. It's okay, Jense." 

Jensen starts rocking and Jared rocks with him as they lay back against the couch and hold onto each other. Jensen doesn't say anything, so Jared keeps talking. 

"I'm going to call up Chad and them tomorrow. Get a party going so you can meet everyone. Just promise you'll be honest with them."

"I will," Jensen said in a creaky voice. "But I got a feeling Chad is going to call me a lady man."

Jared chuckles. "He will. He definitely will, but he'll respect you. Trust me." 

After a few moments of holding on, they finally let go. Pop in one of the movies they didn't watch a couple days ago and then poke fun at plot holes and things in the movie. Everything goes back to normal.

"So you're a man lady?," Chad asks, looking surprised. Budweiser bottle in hand.

Jensen rolls his eyes. "That I am. Bonafied man lady at your service." 

Jared laughs. "I was shocked too, but he's still all man. I promise." 

"So like... do you have an operative dick?," Chad asks again, looking down toward Jensen's crouch. 

Jensen blushes a little and shakes his head. "Still got my girl bits but my boobs? Not for long."

"Dude! You gotta sleep with me just so I can put this on my weird sex card," Chad tells him, a fire lit in his eyes at the prospect.

"No fucking way, you douche. He's not up for garbs, go find your own," Jared chips in, feeling oddly possessive for a second. 

Jensen chuckles, shooting Jared a questioning look before his eyes settle back on Chad. "No, thanks. Think I'll pass on the chad D. Bet you wouldn't know how to work a clit." 

Chad scoffs. "I totally do. You're just not giving me a chance. I can rock your world like Fred does Wilma. Bed rocking, dude."

Jared watches as Jensen throws his head back and laughs, long line of his throat gleaming in the light. He stares transfixed and has to pull his eyes away 

before he gets caught looking. "chad. Go to a gay club and pick someone up like me. I'm not gonna be a notch on your bed post."

Chad pouts and snaps his fingers. "Fine. Party pooper but I would have given you a good time." 

"Sure you would have," Jensen answers, shaking his head. "Go play beer pong or whatever. I'm gonna go grab a beer." 

Jared feels oddly pleased that Jensen isn't willing to sell his self out to Chad. Jensen leaves them and Jared walks with Chad over to the couch. Plopping down on it. People have been really accepting of Jensen, so far. Sandy is also particulary interested in him. She's been eying him all night, and Jared can tell she wants to get in his pants. It's not odd all things considered, Sandy has dated transgender people in the past. Both types. She's usually pretty happy and who can blame her? Jensen is fucking gorgeous. Masculine in his own right, and feminine in others. Jared can see the appeal. 

"So, were you upset?,"Chad asks, arm slung over the back of the couch.

"Yeah, I really was... but It's Jen. It's fine," Jared answers honestly, shrugging his shoulders. 

"You should totally hit it. I mean best of both worlds. Got a man body save for what's there. Isn't that like every gay guys' wet dream?," Chad sounds like he's having a deep thought. It probably hurts, but really it's not that deep. Just weird. 

"No, Chad. Being gay means I like dick, which Jensen doesn't have," Jared said, knowing he sounds a  
little bitter. It's not like Jensen wants him anyway. 

"Suit yourself but I'd totally jump on that," Chad said, sounding amused.

"You've made that clear," Jared said with a roll of his eyes. It's not entirely weird. He wasn't able to get the party together for a couple of days. So Jensen and him went down to the lake, swam for most of the day and had a barbeque. Then they went out to a movie after Jared got off his shift and made fun of the couple in the row in front of them as they made out. Throwing popcorn and candy at their heads. Safe to say they were pissed but the laughter was good for them. And in those few days, he thought a lot. he thought about Jensen's body which he hasn't seen yet. That he probably won't see. He's gotten hard at the idea of taking Jensen to bed and eating him out. Because he's still a man, right? That low voice moaning, his body writhing underneath him, hips bucking upward as he recites the alphabet with his tongue. Slipping into warm heat, it's not that weird. Right? But Jensen doesn't want him, so he'll never find out if he could go along with it. If he could suckle on breasts that won't be there soon. If he can lick down a soft but hard stomach with Jensen's name in his mind. He's jerked of in the shower, imagining it and he supposes if you love someone enough. It really doesn't matter. He fell in love with Jensen for who he is. Sure, there's some things he imagined differently but Jensen is still Jensen and that's all that matters.

The party is slowing down. Sandy and Jensen are sitting on the love seat catey corner while Genevieve and her boyfriend, Misha play pool with Katie and Chad.

He's watching the events going on, a bit on the drunk side but completely mellow. He wants to hug everyone and gather around to have a cuddle fest but that usually annoys his friends. The worst thing he's done all night is jump off the couch and nearly sprain the shit out of his arm. It got a laugh but his arm still hurts like a bitch. He watches as Jensen ducks his head and laughs, looking at Sandy like a man hungry and Sandy has that mega watt smile on her face. Like she knows she's going to get lucky and Jared can't help feeling jealous about the whole thing. He knows Jensen isn't into men or else he would have told him, so his chances are out the window. Sandy has the parts that Jared wishes he had just for a moment. He watches as Jensen kisses her on the cheek then stands up and staggers. Sandy looks disappointed but smiles at him as Jensen makes his way toward Jared. 

"Hello Puppy," Jensen said as he sits down on the couch besides Jared and lops an arm around his shoulder. 

"Hello Kitty," Jared responds, leaning his head against Jensen's shoulder as he looks up at him. 

"So, Sandy definitely wants me," Jensen answers, looking throughtful as he sips from his beer. 

"Why didn't you sneak upstairs and go for it?," Jared asks, feeling confused. 

"Because I told her I know how you feel and wouldn't want to see me make it off with one of your other bestfriends," Jensen answers, hand coming down to rub at 

Jared's shoulder, as if he remembers that's his hurt arm. 

"Thanks. I was feeling kinda jealous," Jared admits, smiling drunkenly. 

"So... you still feel that way about me despite, you know?," Jensen asked, sounding awkward as hell. 

"Yeah, I do. Does that bother you?," Jared asks quietly, turning his eyes forward. 

"No... but shouldn't you be the one who is bothered?," Jensen said, sounding more confused than Jared had a minute ago.

Jared suddenly laughs, loud and barsh. His friends look over but he pays them no mind. "Nah, I've made my peace with it. Still attracted to you."

Jensen hums softly, finishing off his beer. "I'm going to go to bed." 

Jared frowns. "Come on. Stay up for a little longer."

"No, bedtime. Brain wants me to do dirty things," Jensen said, detangling himself from Jared.

Jared whines, head falling back against the couch. He's confused for a moment but it dawns on him. "What if I want you to do dirty things?" 

"No. You're drunk, I'm drunk. If you still want me to do dirty things tomorrow... we'll do them. Until then, Goodnight and sweetdreams fair prince," Jensen said as he got up from the couch and made his way toward the hallway. "Goodnight everyone. It was a pleasure meeting you all. You're good friends to Jared."

There's a chorus of goodnights, along with Jared's. He wonders if Jensen will remember tomorrow.

He wakes up with a shitty hang over. There's orange juice, fried bacon and eggs on the island table as soon as he gets down there and he eats it happily. Jensen comes in the kitchen in his boxers and a t-shirt, hair wet on top of his head and he remembers what was said last night. He watches as Jensen grabs his plate from the microwave and sits across from him. Digging in as he smiles. "You look like shit."

"I feel like shit," Jared supplies, rubbing a hand over his face as he finishes off his egg sandwich. 

"You'll feel better soon. Did you take the advil I gave you?," Jensen asks, licking his lips off a piece of greasy bacon.

"Yeah. I did. Thanks," Jared answers, yawning. "How are you not feeling like crap?"

"It's in the genes. I never get hang overs. Alcohol loves me," Jensen said a bit cockily, grinning. 

"Lucky bastard," Jared said, shaking his head. "Hey... about last night..."

"Yeah?," Jensen asks, looking over.

"Dirty things?," Jared questioned, pursing his lips. "Did you mean it?" 

Jensen nods his head. "Yeah... but only if you're comfortable."

"It's not pity, right?," Jared said, moving his bacon around on a plate. Excitement rising in his stomach, trying to hold back a smile.

Jensen smiles, soft and sure. "No, not pity."

"Good because... that would be strange. I don't expect anything from you. So, yeah," Jared responds.  
Looking everywhere but him for a moment.

"Good and I don't expect anything from you either. Just you," Jensen answers, grinning. 

Jared just grins in return.

It's a little awkward after that. They're not sure how to act around each other. Should they kiss? Should they start groping at each other? Make a run for it and have full on sex. Jared goes out while Jensen is asleep one night and grabs a box of condoms. He grabs lube too, he doesn't really know why but he figures incase Jensen doesn't want it where it could go, then they can have blissful buttsex. Though he doesn't see how Jensen can get off on it without a prostate.

Every girl he knows that has done anal, never seemed to enjoy it as much as men can. But he doesn't see Jensen as a girl, so he doesn't know and what really throws him out of whack is the fact that Jensen is willing at all. Because he's been nothing but 'straight' since he's known him. Never a mention of a guy or any other kinda male underneath his radar. It's strange but he doesn't mind. If Jensen's up for it, he is. He puts the condoms in his drawer, made sure he got ribbed for her pleasure and he closes his eyes, let's his hand trail down inside his boxers and jerks off with thoughts of plowing into Jensen. His brain moves from ass to pussy, he doesn't care which it is as long as Jensen gets off on it too. He doesn't care as long as he gets to share it with Jensen. He comes with Jensen's name on his lips and drifts off into blissful sleep.

The kiss is unexpected. They're in the middle of playing madden on the ps3 and Jensen just beat his ass for the third time. Jared is a sullen ten year old who just got his ass handed to him and he pouts while Jensen gloats. Then all of a sudden, Jensen is on him, lips smacking into his a little hard and Jared realizes he's being kissed. His stomach flops and sweetens, butterflies raging as he gets with the program and softens his lips until they're moving like a symphony. He curls his hand in Jensen's shirt, all too aware that there are breasts underneath it but instead of letting his hands stray, he keeps still and let's Jensen take the lead. Soon their tongues are swirling around each other, plunging deep into their mouths, tingling sensations moving up and down Jared's spine as Jensen twists his tongue, doing this incredible move that just makes him hard with want. Jensen has him down on the floor, laying over top of him as they make out like a couple of teenagers.

Jensen pulls back and looks down at him, breathing hard. "You're not going to find a hard dick, but I'm definitely wet." 

Jared nods dumbly. "I figured." but that doesn't sour the mood, instead it makes him want even more.

"Good," Jensen replies, before he's unzipping jared's jeans and pushing his hand down inside to cup his cock then pulls him out. Suddenly Jensen is stroking him, long and languid strokes that makes fire dance tight in his balls. Jensen is jacking him slowly and he closes his eyes, moaning softly as he tries to concentrate on the sensation of feeling such a nice hand on his manhood. Jensen's hand. Fuck, it feels so good. He can barely breathe. 

He feels his balls draw up and then shakes his head. "No, not like this." 

Jensen stops, eyes drawn to Jared's. They're blown with desire and he licks his lips, looking confused. "What?"

"I want... I kinda want to be inside you," Jared tells him, swallowing. Jensen frowns, tilting his head. "I mean, I do want to be inside you. However you want that to happen. I don't care if it's your ass or lady bits... I just want... yeah."

Jensen smiles. "You got condoms, right?" 

Jared grins. "Yeah."

"Then upstairs we go," Jensen said, pushing himself up off the floor.

Jared gets up, dick hanging out of his pants and he really doesn't care. No one is going to see and it's standing at attention, not wanting to be confined. He stands up and grabs Jensen's hand as he leads him up the stairs.

Soon as they get in the room, Jared tells him strip and he expects to be disgusted at the sight that comes, but he's not. Jensen is broad shoulders, still feminine looking body wise but masculine too, his hips are narrow, his waist is even narrower, it's a strange contrast. His breast look awkward on his chest but they're there and they're perky and small. Handfuls. His mouth waters suddenly and then as soon as Jensen's pants are off, he's greeted with a mound of light brown fur, staring back at him. But for some reason, he's never been more turned on in his life. 

"Your turn," Jensen said, face flushed and looking self concious. Jared wants to tell him he doesn't have to feel that way, that his dick hasn't gone soft, if he just looks he'll see he's wanted.

Instead, he strips naked in record time. They're both standing there, looking awkward before Jared laughs and tackles him to the bed. They bounce twice before Jensen's laughing too and Jared attacks his neck, biting and sucking at the skin like it's a life line. Jensen mumbles something softly that Jared can't hear but he doesn't care even in the slightest. Soon his mouth is moving down his neck, across his collarbone and toward his chest. Jared stares at his breasts before taking one of them in his mouth, suckling on them like candy with his tongue swirling around the nipple, teeth gently biting and making them stand erect and swollen red. He suddenly realizes Jensen could have a family one day, his nipples could provide milk for a baby and it could be his baby, something he never thought he'd ever get but then it hits him. That's probably not what Jensen wants. The thought doesn't taper him down, just makes him see it's a delicate line that Jensen is probably crossing, where he picks and chooses his battles in trying to reach completion in his manhood. Suddenly he grins dopely and looks up at Jensen. "You're amazing, you know that?" 

Jensen blushes and makes a face. "Shut up and fondle my boobs, dimwit." 

Jared laughs and returns to administration love against each one, licking, and sucking, getting them wet as he knows he doesn't care for boobs but Jensen's? 

They're pretty cool. He could get used to them. Jensen must like having them fucked with because he's moaning and bucking, Jared's knee pressed between his legs as Jensen rides it, pushing down against the hardness of it. Jared can feel how wet he is, it's making his skin soppy but he doesn't mind, because fuck, isn't that just making him want to get to the better part? The whole banging each other until they see stars. Sure, he hasn't had much experience in fucking vaginas but he can't be that hard. He moves his hands up as they clutch at Jensen's breasts, his fingers teasing and pinching the nipples as his tongue moves toward the concave of abs dipping in as his lips pepper kisses over the lines of his hips and waist. Leaving marks behind in brilliant bruises that blossom and make Jared feel like he can claim and his claims will be there for a lifetime. Jensen hasn't said he's in love with him too, but he has this zany idea to have someone tattoo his bruise onto him so it's permanently there with two J's sitting underneath it to say Jared was here, Jared had this. Jared conquered his love and it's his for the taking, forever. He almost wants to tell Jensen that but he figures that might scare him away and he doesn't want to do that. He'd much rather he keep it for someday where they're okay in their relationship and making declarations.

"You're thinking, stop thinking. I'm so turned on right now, I could burst," Jensen said, wiggling his hips a little.

"Sorry, kinda got lost there for a moment," Jared said, amused as he looked up at him. Finally his lips were trailing down the hairs that had sprouted up with what he figures is with the help of testerone. He noses against the mound of hair, coming down to front as he extracts his hands from Jensen's breasts and takes them to part his folds, Jensen gasps above him and whimpers low in his throat. Making Jared whimper back, it sounds like heaven to his ears and he moves forward, taking one tentative lick at the glistening pink flesh, it tastes sweet, which surprises him but he knows Jensen eats a lot of fruit, so he shouldn't 

be surprised. He digs in, taking careful tentative licks against the walls of the folds, he knows he should know where the clit is and he pauses for a second, looking up at Jensen, feeling embarrassed. "Where's... your clit?" 

Jensen swallows and gets up on his elbows a little, face all flushed and adorable. "It's bigger than it should be since I'm on meds. It should be at the top. You can't miss it." His voice sounds wavy and nervous. 

Jared just smiles at him fondly and parts the folds a little more, he feels stupid suddenly because it's right there in front of his face. It is bigger than he reminds being told in health class or the last time he was with a chick. It's about as big as his thumb, which is saying something. He brings his thumb to rest over it, rubbing at it gently that makes Jensen hiss and shake. He looks up to see Jensen closing his eyes and laying back down, only to spread his legs further. Jared dives back in, licking and sucking at his clit as he can feel the tremors, soon his tongue is swimming as far as it'll go inside Jensen's inner walls. His cock rubbing against the bed, friction and pleasuring Jensen just might make him cum. He feels Jensen sneak a leg around the back of his calf. 

Twitching and pressing against him. Jensen bucks up into his mouth, nothing but juices flowing inside and he laps it up, taste buds buzzing with how good it is. Soon he feels Jensen tense up, give a long moan and a cut off whimper as his hands delve into Jared's hair and twists. Jared closes his eyes and takes all the flowing wetness into his mouth, the more it comes the more he darts out his tongue, flattening it against flesh and suckling. As Jensen relaxes, Jared pulls away and rests his chin on his stomach, looking up. "I did good?"

Jensen nods dazedly, getting back up on his elbows as he licks his lips and idly plays with Jared's hair. "More than good. We're still gonna fuck, right?" 

Jared nods. "I haven't forgotten, good sir but don't you want some recovery time?" 

Jensen looks at him through slitted eyes, smiling coyly and shakes his head. "Nah. I can take you, stud muffin. Right here, Right now. Get up here and fuck me." 

"Whoa. Getting all demanding on me, tiger. Should I be scared?," Jared asks, crawling up over his body as he reaches over into the night stand drawer and pulls out a condom. He feels a little nervous. 

Jensen snickers. "The demanding ones are good in bed. Consider yourself lucky."

Jared raises his eyebrows, and rips open the condom foil with his teeth. Jensen takes the packet from his hand and peels the rest of the foil off as he pushes Jared onto his knees fully into a stand. He grabs his dick and slowly rolls the condom down over it, until it's completely covered. 

"Now you're ready," Jensen says, smirking as Jared leans down and kisses him softly on the lips. Jensen takes it and turns it a little rougher with tongue and sloppy spit but it feels so good, so, Jared doesn't care. He slips down Jensen's body and Jensen moves his legs up around Jared and tightens them as Jared takes 

takes his cock in his hand and presses the tip against Jensen's soft mound. 

He suddenly feels a little weird, eating pussy is one thing but then... no that doesn't matter. Its' bound to feel good, if doing that felt good. He slowly inches his way inside, watching Jensen's face for any sign of trouble but Jensen just closes his eyes and breathes as Jared sinks in. He makes a small pained noise and his face contorts a little but Jared leans forward and kisses him as he settles. 

Jensen wraps his arms around his neck and exhales. "You're bigger than what I'm used to in the dildo department." 

Jared laughs. "Should I take that as a compliment?" 

"Don't let it stroke your ego too much, I feel like I"m sitting on a spike," Jensen chides, rolling his eyes.

Jared tenses. "Should I pull out?" 

Jensen barks a laugh. "I'm kidding. It feels good, I like bigger. Move, Big boy." He runs a hand through Jared's hair and smiles, kissing him on the jaw as he lifts his hips and moves forward, somehow taking Jared in deeper.

Jared gasps and closes his eyes, it's like being surrounded by liquid fire. He huffs a breath and pulls almost all the way out before sinking in again. Jensen breathes a moan and encourages him with little breathes and moans, bucking against his dick as they move together to find a good rhythm. Soon Jared is speeding up, face pressed into Jensen's neck, hands on his hip and ass as he holds on tight and pounds in like a pine driver. His whole body is on fire, and he's trying to hold off on his orgasm because Jensen has to come first. It would be unfair, at least in his mind it seems that way. His hands grasp and pinch at skin as he pulls out slowly and slams back in, startling Jensen into a gasp that he is sure is Jared's name on his lips. It makes him want to try even harder as Jensen moves one arm from his neck and reaches down to start rubbing at his clit. Jared pulls out and slams every few thrusts and Jensen hides his own face in Jared's neck biting at the skin as he gasps into it. He tightens his arm around Jared's shoulder and his whole body begins to tense again, small ahh ahh ahh sounds leaving his mouth. Jared groans and moans too, feeling his own balls draw up and he knows he's close, just a few more thrusts. Then Jensen is coming, more warmth surrounds his dick and he screws his eyes tight as he starts coming long and hard. Stars shoot across his eyes and his body becomes tight like a coil as he tapers off and falls forward against Jensen. Panting. 

"That was fucking awesome, Jared," Jensen murmurs, hands running through his hair as he lays there and basks in the glow.

Jared hums in agreement, sweat dripping down his nose as he slides out, lands on his back and takes the condom, tying it off and throwing it in the trash can. 

They both lay there panting and Jared turns his head, leans forward and kisses his cheek. "I'm over my fear of vaginas."

"Only my vagina?," Jensen hedges.

"If you only want it to just be your vagina, it can be," Jared said with a chuckle.

"I only want it to be mine," Jensen admits, turning on his side and throwing an arm over Jared's stomach as he closes his eyes. 

"Okay," Jared whispers as he closes his eyes too and soon sleep finds them.

Jared wakes up the next morning, he feels happy and sated. He smiles, remembering the night before and stares up at the ceiling. He doesn't feel a heavy weight at his side. Jensen is definitely gone and he sighs but he doesn't have to wait long because Jensen comes in with a soft knock on the door and peers inside.

"Why are you knocking? Come in, idiot."

Jensen smiles and sits at the edge of the bed. "So, breakfast is downstairs... or lunch rather. We kinda really slept in. It's one o'clock." 

"Damn, you wore me out," Jared said with a fond smile.

"You wore me out too. I didn't wake up until an hour ago," Jensen answers, snorting. 

Everything is quiet for a moment and then Jared breaks the silence. "If you're only into girls. Why me?"

"If you're only into guys. Why me?," Jensen fires back the question, tilting his head.

"Because you're Jensen and I love you," Jared answers, like this is reason enough.

"Then because you're Jared and I'm in love with you too," Jensen answers with a smile.

Jared suddenly feels much better, he was wondering if Jensen was doing it out of love in a friendship way but it makes him happy that he's not alone in the 

whole having more than friendly feelings deal. "Okay. That's good enough for me." 

Jensen sighs then throws himself forward onto Jared's sheet covered stomach, he looks up at him. "I never told you this but before I was sure I was transgender. 

I thought maybe I was just a lesbian... and I come from a very republican, church going family. So as stupid as it sounds, I slept with a lot of boys and made 

some stupid mistakes in order to feel 'normal'. It's not that I didn't like dick, mind you, but it made me feel gay and somewhere in my twisted brain I figured 

I was so messed up, that not even God would want me. So I do like guys sometimes, very rarely but I do. Though, don't worry, you're really the only exception." 

"You're not messed up, Jensen. It's just how you work. I love how you work," Jared said gently, as he ran a hand through Jensen's soft locks.

Jensen smiles lopsided and reached up to kiss the inside of his wrist. "Thank you. Now come eat lunch. It's getting cold." 

Jared doesn't argue.

They spend the next week together in bed, in front of the tv, bemoaning when Jared has to go to work. His parents come up and they meet Jensen for the first time. Jared's mom is instantly enamoured with him, she teaches him how to bake cookies and gives up her famous lemon pie recipe. Soon as Sherry finds out that Jensen can still have kids, she goes on and on about getting grandkids from Jared. Jensen looks embarrassed and that night in bed, Jared asks if that's something he'd want if they were together long enough and Jensen admits no it isn't. He'd much rather adopt. That their are alot of kids in the world who need parents and he doesn't have a secret want for knowing what it's like to carry a child. It's not in the cards for him. Jared's a little disappointed but Jensen chases all that away with promising to get on the pill so next time they see each other they don't have to wear a condom next time.

They say goodbye to his parents on a Sunday and Jensen has to leave the next day. They spend all day in bed, cuddling, kissing, fucking, they only go downstairs to eat and then around six, Jensen gets up and showers. Jared slips in with him and fingers him until he comes. Jensen asks _'how did I get so lucky'_ and Jared goes _'I'm the lucky one.'_ They make out on the couch, not wanting to leave each other but Jensen has to go to work in two days and they've already had two blissful weeks together. Jared helps Jensen take his bags to the car and they share one last bone shattering kiss, as they hold onto each other. Someone cat calls somewhere and they smile against each others' lips. They hug long and tight before Jensen finally gets in the car and starts up the engine.

"I love you," Jensen says over the noise, bright and happy smile on his face.

"I love you too," Jared answers, playfully blowing him a kiss.

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Dork." 

"Call me when you stop at a hotel," Jared tells him as he pulls out.

"You know I will," He yells as he drives off down the road. 

Jared stands there, a smile plastered to his face. He guesses love is blindness. It doesn't matter what your sex, gender, color, religion or beliefs. Love is all and it doesn't let you see without first really looking.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I really wanted to write a transgender fic. Because I'm one of those people stuck on the fence about being transgender myself and hey, they're not really a whole lot of fics surrounding the subject. So what the hell. Hopefully I've offended no one and you enjoyed! Thanks for reading. <3


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